中国水利投资集团公司:急 请高手帮我看看这一小段英语(intrduce)有没有语法错误 并帮我改正 谢谢了

写的时候再认真一点就好了，都是些小毛病。呵呵
明显的错误就不说了。
But her parents living in China.living不对，最起码改成live
older sister,用elder sister比较好
She is not married，写She is single,简练
She also work full time,改成works
in her free time 改成during her free time
注意，句号使用的不太规范。
but和and不要用在句子开头，很不规范，会给人一种没有学过写作的乡下人的感觉

She is Flora, she comes from China, she has been living in Canada for nine months. But her parents are living in China. She has an older sister and one younger brother. She has not married. She lives in Vancouver with her friend. She is studying English in VCC every night. She also works full time as a packer at a TNT supermarket, her life is really busy, but she is enjoy reading, listening and hanging out with her friends in the free time.

nine months 复数
，but her parents are living in china.
She is studying English in VCC at night.
She also works as a packer for full time at a TNT supermarket. Her life is very busy,but she enjoys reading,
listening to music and hanging out with friends in her free time.

living in Canada for nine months
But her parents live in China
She has not married
She also works full time
She is studying English in VCC at night不要逗号

这个错得稍微壮观了点……修改如下：
This is Flora. She is from China.She has been living in Canada for nine months,while her parents live in China. She has a older sister and a younger brother. She is not married. She lives in Vancouver with her friends. She learns English in VCC at night. She also works full time as a packer at a TNT supermarket.Life is really busy, but she enjoys reading, listening to music and hanging out with her friends in her spare time.
in VCC这个介词in可能有问题，我不知道VCC是什么~
其他的不能说是错误，但是SHE出现的次数太多了，句型没有变换，读起来比较枯燥-_-b

Flora,a diligent Chinese girl.She has been living in Canada for nine months by herself. She is unmarried.Now she lives in Vancouver with her friend. While abroad,she had to work part-time in the TNT supermarket to support herself at collage .Everynight she studies English in VCC.she also like reading ,listening or going for a walk with her friends.Sometimes she misses her family mambers very much who are her parents, elder sister and younger brother.they are all in china.She enjoying her life-busy but substantial.