活宰鲸鲨的人:看一下我的例子合适吗（不是翻译）

要应聘外企，填一张competency的表格，就是用具体的例子说明你具有这个职位所需要的一些competency
能力1：Achievement ---( Wants to do a good job and does not give up ) Clarifies what is expected. Is positive and enthusiastic about the job. Does not give up at the first obstacle. Respects the rights of others whilst achieving one’s own goals.(Essential)

我的example是During the process of preparing for one exam session, when I imported candidate data downloaded from MIS system into ESOLCOMMS, the total No of candidates displayed on attendance register report is not in accordance with the actual number NEEA informed us. Then I downloaded the data and imported again but no vain. To find the reason of this abnormal condition, I opened the data file with notepad and calculated the total amount according to my initial estimation that something goes wrong with the data, however, the number was correct!Apparently, the problem arised from the importing procedure. After compared original file with attendance register report carefully, I found one candidate was missing after importing due to the blank of name column instead of his Chinese name in pinyin.A direct phone call was given by me to the candidate to confirm his information,he told me that he didn’t input his Chinese information when registered online because he come from Nepal and can’t write Chinese.Finally I input his pinyin name manually into ESOLCOMMS so as to ensure the consistency and asked the candidate bring his ID card to the supervisor on test day for verification.
请大家耐心看完我的例子然后给出详细的分析，如果不合适该怎么修改！